you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
