if you like me you must not know who I am
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
