he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
