I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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