So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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