i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize