I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
