I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
