Where are you?
In a non slutty way
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
