dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
40s are totally the cure
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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