How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
