I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
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