i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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