the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
