how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just tell him i said nine months
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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