i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
