His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
