I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
