even my farts smell like vagina
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
