apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
