drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
