You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize