he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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