apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
