I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
