During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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