I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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