This is not my ceiling
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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