Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
