I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
