apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
