Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
40s are totally the cure
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
