just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
