my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
