Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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