and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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