weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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