This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize