Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
