I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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