Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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