I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
