I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Your mouth is God's brothel.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
