Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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