i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
