I wish I could teleport
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
