The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
