I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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