I molested 6 butterflies tonight
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
