he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
