So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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