I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I need water and some morals
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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