My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
