wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
