I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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