i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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