I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
