he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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