I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
