Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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