I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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