I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She's like a pop up book from hell.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
