Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
