I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
