I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
