Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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