Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
