The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize