I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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