I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
