she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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