I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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